


When Darkness Comes

by MaxRev



Series: ME Flash Fanwork [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Lost Love, Pain, Sadness, Set after the final ending, anguish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 19:17:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10928301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev
Summary: There are times when life continues ever onward while there you sit spinning in place, feeling like you'll never be able to move again. Then, you see a glow on the horizon-- a beacon to light your way.





	When Darkness Comes

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired from [ this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjhvSRe-pZE) song, including the title and part of the letter.
> 
> This is my first fanfic for this franchise. What a way to start, eh?
> 
> My submission for [ MEFF](https://meflashfanwork.tumblr.com/post/160208541916/may-theme-what-might-have-been-dates-may) .

Eyes abruptly snapping open, he stared at the ceiling, images from his dream playing across its surface like scenes in a movie. His heart thundered in his ears, body covered in cold sweat.

_Five long years._

Every night since that last mission, he’d had this same dream. And every time, it woke him up in the early morning hours. He refused to consider it a nightmare.

Turning his head towards the clock, his bleary eyes worked to focus on the glowing neon numbers -- 0300 hours. Right on time. Flinging an arm across his eyes, he tried to block everything out but it was no use, any attempt in trying to get back to sleep was pointless. The images and the emotions they evoked were too vivid for sleep to pull him back into its embrace. 

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he sat there for several minutes staring at nothing, trying in vain to push the dream away. The air in the room ghosted over his sweat-slicked skin, causing a chill his biotics couldn't chase away. Running a hand through his hair in frustration, he figured he might as well get up and take a hot shower.

The light switched on automatically as he entered the bathroom, eyes squinting against the harsh illumination. Inside the glass walls of the shower, water turned on, steam rising rapidly from the heat. Passing by the mirror he glanced at his reflection.

Before that fateful mission, he had already noticed grey beginning to show in his otherwise jet black hair, the addition of a few more lines on his face. Being a soldier constantly on the forefront of battle tended to age a person quickly. Now though, the grey was more abundant, the lines more prominent. And the scars that crisscrossed his body -- well, there were a lot of them.

He couldn’t help but wonder if he would have aged differently had things--

Cutting that thought off, he stepped into the shower, steam surrounding him. Scalding hot water cascaded over his skin, loosening tight muscles. He worked the soap into a lather all over his body. Still muscular and fit, he nonetheless noticed more aches and pains with each passing day. Turning his body, he let the water run down over him, taking all traces of soap with it. Watching it slide down the drain, he had a wish that all his pain could follow a similar path. Stepping out of the shower, his biotics flared briefly, drying away the vestiges of water.

Passing back through the empty bedroom, he threw on a pair of sweats and padded barefoot into the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee. Leaning back against the counter, he crossed his arms and waited, mind wandering as it was wont to, traveling down paths better left alone.

Startled out of his reverie by the beeping of the machine, he grabbed a mug, fingers curling around the heat, and found his usual place after being woken up in the still dark hours of the morning -- the balcony overlooking the English Bay. There was a chill in the air but it didn’t register, his mind occupied.

Observing the colorful twinkling lights of the city of Vancouver spread out below him, Kaidan concluded they were no match for the stars in space -- stars he’d once traveled at Shepard’s side. His elbows came to rest on the railing that edged along the balcony and he leaned over, hands wrapped securely around the mug. Steam rose up, softly drifting across his face like a lover’s caress. Wistfully, he imagined it was Shepard’s fingertips instead.

The dream started out the same as it always did. In the midst of it he felt like he was right there. But on occasion, there were times he felt more like an observer. Last night was one of those times where he relived it all firsthand.  

_They were in London; the final advance against the Reapers._

_She found him at ground zero, “You ready?”_

_Not wanting to worry her or add to the burden of her many responsibilities, he lied, “Absolutely, I’m ready for anything.” Attempting a smile, “Bring it on.”_

_He could tell by the look on her face she wasn’t so easily fooled. So, he stopped trying._

_“I guess we’re old soldiers now, Shepard. We know how this all works out.”_

_They both knew this goodbye might be forever. And yet, nothing ever kept Shepard down. She might get a little dinged up but hey, she’d come back from death, hadn’t she?_

_Shepard was never one to let her emotions show but this time, her voice wavered as she issued an order, “When this is over, I’ll will be waiting for you. You better show up.”_

_“Believe me, I’m gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again.”_

_Unconsciously, their bodies had closed the distance between them; they backed away, always remaining professional. Her eyes searched his, then traveled over his face as if to memorize it. He did the same. Giving him a half smile, her heart this time showing in her eyes, she turned and started to walk away._

_The mission came first, just as it always did, but for once, Kaidan found himself resentful of that fact._

_On impulse, he reached out, grabbing her wrist and spinning her back towards him. The look she gave him would be forever imprinted in his mind. Pulling her close, his lips met hers. Soft at first, the realization hit him -- this may be their last contact, their last kiss. He was powerless to stop his hunger for her. Shepard met him in that hunger, hers equally as voracious in appetite. It was a kiss that rocked him to the core._

_Ending the kiss was the hardest thing he’d ever done. Leaning his forehead against hers, he closed his eyes and breathed in her scent, the essence that made her Shepard, made her unique. Pulling back, his hands framed her face, brown eyes meeting blue. “I can’t lose you again.”_

_A few moments passed, no words needed as their eyes said it all. Then, just like that, it was back to the mission. It was so hard to let go, a part of him wanted to grab her and run in the opposite direction. Somehow, they’d always been able to keep their personal lives separate from business. Duty always won in the end._

_He watched her walk away, made some inane remark about never having been to London._

_And she was gone._

That damn dream. How many times had he lived that scene over and over? For a long time, it had been with him day and night, never far from his mind. Remembering his admission that he didn’t have many regrets, a bitter laugh slipped out. Well, he certainly did now.

Last night though, the dream had changed after that goodbye scene. The new images so real and tangible, it was like they were actual memories, not just something his still grieving heart had conjured up. Despite seeing what had happened to her with his own eyes, he’d hoped that maybe, somehow, she’d come back to him again. A hope that slowly died over time.

How he’d managed to make it through this a second time, he’d never understand. He felt hollow inside, dead actually.

The lights of the city began to blur. Blinking rapidly, he tried to stem the tide but still, a few tears fell anyway. Closing his eyes, the scenes from his dream played against the dark backdrop of his lids in stark clarity. They brought with them a suggestion of _what if_ , alluding to a life for him -- for them -- that might have been. All the more painful because he knew it would never come to be.

_They were at his parent’s orchard. It was summer, the sky a brilliant blue with white cotton clouds floating lazily by. A warm breeze stirred the leaves in the apples trees, and he listened as they whispered to each other._

_As he trod a path between the trees, the smell of moist earth gave off a strong and robust scent, mixing with the scent of the apples, heavy and sweet; a promise of what was to come. A few drops of rain from the night, still clinging to the leaves, spattered across his face with the breeze. He inhaled the familiar childhood scents of the orchard, something he thought he’d never get the chance to experience again._

_Laughter from up ahead caught his attention, bringing a smile to his face. He knew that laughter and moved quickly to catch up to the source._

_Up ahead was a murmur of voices, a sweet sound that carried to his ears on the slightest of winds, warming his heart. The source teased him, eluding him again and again but he was relentless in the chase and followed it endlessly, until at last a ray of sunshine shone down on a group of three, all heads close together captivated by something held on an outstretched palm._

_As he approached, all heads turned towards him in perfect synchronicity. Two of them had fiery hair that glowed in the sun, the other hair like midnight with  just a tint of that fire; Riley, Alex and Dylan. The love of his life was holding their twins, a girl and boy, in her arms._

_They smiled up at him, such joy on their faces. The toddlers giggled and he smiled back. He ached to hold them in his arms. Looking at Shepard, his eyes roamed her face, wanting to memorize once again every detail._

_She held out a hand, waiting for him to grasp it in one of his own. Taking a step closer, his hand outstretched, she seemed further away than a moment ago. Stepping closer, he could only watch, panicked, as this carefully built illusion of his dream came apart. The deceptively calm zephyr that had whispered through the trees earlier intensified, whipping around Shepard and their children scattering them into the wind. Leaving him all alone…_

That was where he’d woken up _._

Just as in his dream, a wind had picked up while he’d been lost within memories that had never been, dark clouds heralding an incoming storm. His heart broke again, thinking of everything lost -- the future and all its opportunities. He wasn’t sure at this point if he could continue to go on.

Standing up, letting the wind whip around him and hoping for the same end as his dream, a crackling sound in his pocket diverted his focus. Reached inside to find the source of the noise, his fingertips encountered a piece of paper and he knew exactly what it was. He’d carried it around for years.

Unfolding the wafer thin slip of paper, creased from wear, he read the words silently, even though they were etched in his heart.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Kaidan,_

 

_I truly hope you never receive this, never thought I'd write a letter like this._ _After all, I had_

_no one in my life to care about, or who cared about me. Just know this, it is_ _my ultimate wish_

_to find you after all this is done.  But,_ _if this does reach you, I need you to know that I love_

_you with all my heart._ _I never put a lot of thought into love, much less finding one like what_

_I shared with you._ _You gave me my life back, completed and whole. I will forever be grateful_

_f_ _or that; for you believing_ _in me, trusting me, accepting me with all my flaws._

_Your smile, your laughter, your love; they_ _kept_ _me going at times I didn’t think I wanted to._

_Kept me from falling into a dark abyss because_ _of_ _decisions I sometimes had to make._

 

_Anyway, I just need you to remember, always…_

 

_I'll be waiting for you, my light guiding you home when it's time._ _And whenever you_

_feel lost,_ _my love will be hidden_ _in the sunshine. L_ _ook for me, Kaidan,_

_whenever the darkness comes. I'll be there..._

 

_Love,_

_Riley_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Collapsing on the stone floor, a chill crept into his bones, biotics unable to chase it away. A tear rolled down his face as he stared at the well worn paper, Shepard’s handwriting beginning to blur.

The approaching gale of the storm intensified while he’d been lost in flashbacks and images of a life that would never come true. The wind whistled past the balcony, icy fingers reaching inside, trying to wrest Riley’s last message from him. His fingers tightened reflexively, refusing to relinquish the last physical memorial he had of her.

A stray ray of light reached down from the sky, a golden glow falling across the letter. Glancing up towards the sky, he saw one bright spot of sun, a beacon in the midst of roiling black clouds.

The illusion of Shepard’s face appeared, smiling down at him, love in her eyes.

Within the darkness, she had left her love hidden in the sun...

**Author's Note:**

> This game -- this OTP -- has ended me...lol 
> 
> I just started the trilogy maybe about a month ago. The game has been around a while, so it's not like I don't know how it ends, though I don't know all the details. And yet, here I am, writing about these two.
> 
> Apparently, I'm joining you all in this hell <3


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